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Goodnight!

Weary...

Logic says I am dead already - that I can be willing to do what is right and good, but never will.

I desire to lose logic.

But when it flees, I despair.

It's a little bit funny?

I had a melt down in Sunday service.

All our New England sisterhood of churches got together for an incredible weekend conference to inspire us in our personal service to the Lord. I've been feeling a call to serve more - not really in church, but in general. The lessons were pointed, practical and inspirational. I had an opportunity to help with the kids and learn some new songs to take back to the home church kids. Mr. Right and I partied with the singles. I loved crashing their gathering and showing off my dance mooooves!

We had a leisurely breakfast at the hotel, and walked across the street. Sunday worship started right on time, at 11am. No worries - ready to worship.

Suddenly, the beautiful worship songs started to make me furious.

Now, I have had a struggle with song-leading for the last 5 years. I have some talent and no lack of joy for being the center of attention. I am a maniac for karaoke, and I dance like a fool for any beat. I love the fellowship at practice and sing my heart out - and even in the congregation I sing so loud people in front of me turn expecting me to be 6 feet tall. But if I stand before the church to lead in worship, I go mute. I keep telling the worship leaders its not my calling, and I get rebuked for not sharing my talent. I hate being told to smile. I hate being told how to dress. I hate being told that my singing is to encourage the church and I should always sing encouraging songs. Poppycock! None of that matters. If it's not 100% for God, I can't do it. It's like God hits the mute button - I physically cannot do it. I've even fainted once when I tried to force it.

But the songs themselves have never made me angry.

With several congregations gathered, many of the songs were unfamiliar, so the words were printed on a sheet.

Refrain from the third song:

"More love, more power
More of You in my life..."

I got nauseous. WHAT? Did He not give us EVERYTHING? Why are we singing these words? And we kept singing it over and over and over and over. I asked my husband to please stop singing. He could tell I was severely distressed, but had no clue. He told me to sit and put my head between my legs until it passed.

After it was over, and I lifted my head, I looked on the sheet at the next song. "I...I...I..." "me...me...me..." I started circling each of those words in the song. My husband frowned at me.

Then another song exclaimed, "You alone are worthy!" I wanted to shout, "Who am I to say that only God is worthy of my praise? I am the lowest of sinners - all are worthier than I!"

The rest of the songs were bearable, but the distress remained. I had to get up and move. I bolted out of the convention hall and ran a lap around the block, praying. I returned feeling a little better - but knowing I am getting a little worn by the worship "experience."



photo by: Mary Ann Morgan

Back to the Matter of Sin...

In what little spare time I have, my mind has wondered over the matter of sin and what it is to God. I had not realized until this moment that it's been in my thoughts consistently for more than 4 months. That's a long time for me to stay focused on something!

I've been told that in His holiness, God is "unable" to look upon sin, and my sinful nature is what creates the need for reconciliation to God through Christ. I have a problem considering God unable to do anything. If God is unable to look upon my sin, how is He able to judge it - condemn it - rebuke and discipline me from it? How is it that God can love me if, daily, He cannot even look at the wretch that I am?

It would seem that it is certainly a conditional love, one that can only look to me when I am good.

Is it not more correct to say that God eyes are continually upon me? Is it not more reasonable to assume that the fault lies within me - that I cannot look to God when I am encumbered by sin?

Hebrew 12 has been entering my mind in this matter, specifically vs. 1-14 :

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,

"MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD,
NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM;
FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES,
AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."

It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?

But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.

Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?

For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.

All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.

Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.

Of course, then I read Joshua 7!


There is no reason to listen if I cannot hear.
Just Another Voice,

Three Voices

KC asked about credentials. They are important. I mean, you want to know that someone has some education and experience in what they are teaching, right? Online, I've read some odd thoughts on scripture, and my initial reaction is to look to see what's that person's job. Clergy, seminary student - I might take it a little more seriously. Tax collector - not so much (and before you say anything, look at my profile!).

Yet, don't you still get a million different opinions of scripture from learned men and women? And they always seem to edge in and try convince you they are right. Ah, what good would they be if they had no conviction? :)

But, the ones who tell me I'm not listening to the spirit, or worse, that I can't hear the spirit, because I do not agree with their opinion - they scare me.

Jesus' teaching was practical - what He did was practical. It's fun to get ethereal and consider some weird stuff about the cosmos and angels, but it's not what Jesus was about. Sure, the inner workings of what Christ accomplishes are spiritual, ethereal, mysterious - but are they important for me to know? Is it important that I know "why" and "how" it works - or that I just trust it does?

If a teaching leads me away from God and deeper into my own mind, where only one voice exists, I'm not sure that's a safe place for me to be. A singular voice is never a good thing. A chorus makes sure the path. Maybe that's why God has three voices. {c;


There is no reason to listen if I cannot hear.
Just Another Voice,

Did God Abandon Jesus?

(It's still a lot of questions, but a little more focused than the previous post - one thing at a time!)


According to Matthew (27:46) and Mark (15:34), when Jesus was dying on the cross, he said these words:

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Did God leave him alone? If he did, why?

The teaching that this was the point at which Christ took on Sin and was separated from God has never settled well with my soul. God abandons us when we sin. That's what this teaching implies. Does that sound right to you?

Why does the more detailed account of Christ's last words in Luke (Ch. 23) not include this outcry?

Is Mankind depraved - or is it just me?

According to Matthew (27:46) and Mark (15:34), when Jesus was dying on the cross, he said these words:

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Did God leave him alone? If he did, why?

The teaching that this was the point at which Christ took on Sin and was separated from God has never settled well with my soul. God abandons us when we sin. That's what this teaching implies. Does that sound right to you?

Why does the more detailed account of Luke not include this outcry, but instead several other words from the Savior?

I keep coming back to this when I consider what it was exactly that Christ was asking God to forgive "them" of in Luke 23:34.

"Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing"

Was it gambling for His garments because the Roman guards were only doing what had been prophesied? Was it for the Jews who had condemned Him? Was it for His disciples who had gone into hiding and were denying Him? Was it for you and I, the world, for every sin we had/are/would commit?

These words of forgiveness seemed to be spoken very soon after Christ was nailed to the Cross, while the guards and the crowds that had demanded His death were still there. Wouldn't they too feel guilt very soon, when they KNEW? Didn't you feel guilt when you KNEW?

What also comes with guilt?

Godly sorrow; self-pity?

When you are innocent, or not, does a guilty verdict make it seem as though you have been abandoned, too?

And what was the punishment He endured? It was not death - death was the result; the consequence - the punishment was the crucifixion. By refusing to defend Himself, Christ accepted the verdict of guilt laid upon Him by man. By accepting that guilt, He knew death that would come with it.

Jesus perfectly illustrates that guilt does not equal abandonment and that death is overcome.

Satan would have us think otherwise.

So would some Christians.



There is no reason to listen if I cannot hear.
Just Another Voice,